It feels like Fall and I am so happy. I love when it starts to cool down. I love the colors. I love yamboree time. I love football. I love half time! I love the wind. I love the sounds. ooh I just love leaves. I love light jackets. This time of year I am always happiest. I met the ex-boyfriend this time last year (we broke up by the end of Winter. I was getting depressed again and I think it was just too much for him), met Edward Cullen (started reading Twilight) this time last year, was losing weight (had a personal trainer), had a great schedule, I worked out more often, and just felt good! Today is a nice weather day.
I woke up at 430 yesterday morning and today to walk at the track with my mom. Have I ever mentioned that my mom is an amazing person? She always listens to me complain about how unhappy I am with myself and is so patient with me 'finding' myself all the time. She also encourages me to better myself and keep trying. That woman amazes me all the time. I am so blessed to have her.
We decided Sunday night that we would start getting up early to walk the track at the high school everyday. Monday morning I woke up very excited about getting in some exercise to jump start my day. And really, I felt amazing all day. I had more energy than usual and I only gave in to one coke all day! I couldn't believe how amazing I felt as I fell asleep last night, then...this morning came. I turned off the alarm and had every intention of sleeping until 7 when I heard mom in the kitchen. I feel good about myself for getting up and exercising but I am EXHAUSTED. I am fighting sleep more than I ever have in my life. I want to pass out on this floor right now...even though that is highly not recommended because of all the chemicals that come in and out of this place. I hope some energy kicks in before I have to drive to Quitman to teach aerobics. However, I am really excited that I am getting two workouts in today!
I have to stop getting on ebay and half.com. I have an addiction to movies and books. I want to have an amazing library one day and I feel like a 75 cent book is just what I need to get started. Someone take my debit card and hide it! I really am trying to save for the big move in January. I know that I will have to get a job regardless of how much I save, but geeze I love to spend money. Big move is still undecided as far as the location. Sam Houston was 100% last week and now I am really interested in SFA again. Why must decisions be so hard? I know that I will finish school no matter where I go, but I want to make the right move for me. I have a deepest darkest desire, but I don't want to throw it out there yet. ;)
Life is good. I am so happy that I am going to school in January. I am excited about moving out of my parent's house for a little while and excited about losing weight. Having direction is a big part of who I am and I am so glad that I have some goals. I am such a nerd when it comes to that kind of thing. Betty Boyd (who was my YW president) told me one time that a goal is not a true goal until you write it down-so, here is me writing it all down for ya!
First set of goals are the daily/weekly goals.
1. Walk every weekday morning with mom.
2. only drink 1 soda a day (this will be hard. I usually drink about 4 or 5)
3. practice twirling fundamentals every other day
4. Attend Institute every Wednesday
Second set are the short term goals. I want these completed within the next two weeks. October 9th to be exact.
1. finish filling out FAFSA information so that I can fill out some loan applications
2. complete a loan application
3. lose 3 pounds (healthy weight loss is 2 pounds a week so I'm going with the happy median)
4. Apply to at least 1 school. (possibly 2)
And now for the fun ones. The long term goals. (long can be weeks, months, years, etc...)
1. lose 30 pounds by January 1st. (that is actually a little more than 2 pounds a week but I'm doing it!)
2. make straight A's for the rest of my college career.
3. Get re-certified to teach group exercise (within the next year)
4. be a certified teacher (no more than 3 years from now)
5. get married, have kids, the whole 'American dream' thing ;)
I think this is a little lenghty, but it will be fun to read if you are bored. I know it kept me from falling asleep at work!
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
pizza, coke, and candy=devil
I am in a rotten mood today. I was trying to figure out how to get email notifications from my blog when I stumbled across the 'blogs of the day' or something like that. I started reading one...ex hot chick and fell in love with this girl. I only read a few entries, but realized I have a lot of similar feelings about myself and my weight problem. So how come I sat here reading her blog while eating possibly the greasisest slice of pizza on the planet? Did I mention I ate peanut m&ms right after the pizza? :( oh, and I am STILL sipping on a coke even after getting myself all worked up.
I have made myself completely depressed about my weight for about 3 years now. It has slowly gotten worse and I have made up my mind to lose the weight about 17 thousand times. I always say, 'I am for real this time, mom. I am tired of being the fat girl'...then I go to my room and watch tv for a few hours, only taking breaks to pee, fill up on dr. pepper, and eat something. How pathetic can I get? When I was in high school, I believe my sophomore year, that I would not be the fattest girl on the majorette line. Guess what? I totally was. I wasn't even that big that year but I sure put on the weight over the next two years.
I am sick of being like this. And am also sick of people saying that I am not fat. I am fat. BMI calculations say obese. So, yes. I am fat. And I do not want to be fat. I do not want to accept that I am just bigger than other girls. I do not want to just get over it. I want to lose the weight.
I have made myself completely depressed about my weight for about 3 years now. It has slowly gotten worse and I have made up my mind to lose the weight about 17 thousand times. I always say, 'I am for real this time, mom. I am tired of being the fat girl'...then I go to my room and watch tv for a few hours, only taking breaks to pee, fill up on dr. pepper, and eat something. How pathetic can I get? When I was in high school, I believe my sophomore year, that I would not be the fattest girl on the majorette line. Guess what? I totally was. I wasn't even that big that year but I sure put on the weight over the next two years.
I am sick of being like this. And am also sick of people saying that I am not fat. I am fat. BMI calculations say obese. So, yes. I am fat. And I do not want to be fat. I do not want to accept that I am just bigger than other girls. I do not want to just get over it. I want to lose the weight.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
oh how fast things change...
I am now working full time. 8-5 every single stinkin day. Now I totally want to go back to school. And I will.
The Visiting Teaching message this month was a serious answer to my prayers. I keep saying that I am wasting my time at school if I do not have a decided major or career goal but the truth is, gaining knowledge is what is important to me. I honestly do not care if I go to school for the rest of my life and never find the 'perfect' career. This is a quote from Robert D. Hales (of the Seventy) that I absolutely love (it was the silent answer to all my prayers about school)
“Lifelong learning is essential to the vitality of the human mind, body, and soul. It enhances self-worth and self-actuation. Lifelong learning is invigorating mentally and is a great defense against aging, depression, and self-doubt.”
Does it get any better than that? I need to feel confident in myself and learning is something that has always made me feel good. And who doesn't need a good depression fighter every now and then? If you know me at all, then you know that I am not happy all of the time and fight with negative thoughts about myself all the time. I am starting to feel very strongly about going back to school even if I take 'pointless' classes. Bring on the knowledge!
I really don't know what else I wanted to blog about. I just felt so full and needed to release some positive energy into the world.
oh yeah, my brother in law is FINALLY back home. He has a valid visa and can now live here legally. Saturday morning was a wonderful morning. I, of course, cried like a baby when Tony finally acknowledged LaLo. It was so sweet and such a happy moment. I pray that he never has to go back to Mexico unless it is for pleasure.
Baby sister Erica is in college! She is twirling at Kilgore and I can not wait to watch her perform. She is so pretty. I just don't know how we are related! lol jk. I know that she is nervous about school, but I know that she will do fine. She is smart and can do anything if she doesn't stress herself out too much. I am so glad that she decided to twirl. I hope she appreciates the experience and enjoys it.
Twirling at Kilgore reminds me of the year that I tried out. I HATE admitting this to anyone but it is a wonderful memory that I will keep forever so I want to share it. I was at my private twirling lesson when my friend Sarah Hill called and told me that I should try out the next morning at Kilgore. I didn't really want to do it. I had not submitted an application and had not practiced at all for their tryout. I didn't even consider twirling there, or anywhere, until she called. I woke up the next morning and drove to Kilgore to meet up with her. We had a fun day. We made fun of each other, made fun of other girls, smiled, laughed, talked about boys I'm sure, and twirled our little hearts out. 25 girls tried out that day and Sarah and I were 2 of the 5 that did not make it. Sooo embarrassing. (this is why I do not tell people I even tried out) I still think to this day that she should have been on that line. She was grouped in a call back group and I just knew that she was going to make it. Her smile was completely contagious and she just had that amazing glow and personality that should be on display. Really. She was truly a beautiful girl. Sarah was in a car accident and passed away on January 8, 2009. I miss her and think about her all the time and every single time I think about Kilgore College Twirlers I remember Sarah.
So this was not on my agenda to blog about her, but there it is. One of my favorite memories. Now I have to get back to reality and do some work even though I would love to be at home.
Hope all is well with everyone :)
The Visiting Teaching message this month was a serious answer to my prayers. I keep saying that I am wasting my time at school if I do not have a decided major or career goal but the truth is, gaining knowledge is what is important to me. I honestly do not care if I go to school for the rest of my life and never find the 'perfect' career. This is a quote from Robert D. Hales (of the Seventy) that I absolutely love (it was the silent answer to all my prayers about school)
“Lifelong learning is essential to the vitality of the human mind, body, and soul. It enhances self-worth and self-actuation. Lifelong learning is invigorating mentally and is a great defense against aging, depression, and self-doubt.”
Does it get any better than that? I need to feel confident in myself and learning is something that has always made me feel good. And who doesn't need a good depression fighter every now and then? If you know me at all, then you know that I am not happy all of the time and fight with negative thoughts about myself all the time. I am starting to feel very strongly about going back to school even if I take 'pointless' classes. Bring on the knowledge!
I really don't know what else I wanted to blog about. I just felt so full and needed to release some positive energy into the world.
oh yeah, my brother in law is FINALLY back home. He has a valid visa and can now live here legally. Saturday morning was a wonderful morning. I, of course, cried like a baby when Tony finally acknowledged LaLo. It was so sweet and such a happy moment. I pray that he never has to go back to Mexico unless it is for pleasure.
Baby sister Erica is in college! She is twirling at Kilgore and I can not wait to watch her perform. She is so pretty. I just don't know how we are related! lol jk. I know that she is nervous about school, but I know that she will do fine. She is smart and can do anything if she doesn't stress herself out too much. I am so glad that she decided to twirl. I hope she appreciates the experience and enjoys it.
Twirling at Kilgore reminds me of the year that I tried out. I HATE admitting this to anyone but it is a wonderful memory that I will keep forever so I want to share it. I was at my private twirling lesson when my friend Sarah Hill called and told me that I should try out the next morning at Kilgore. I didn't really want to do it. I had not submitted an application and had not practiced at all for their tryout. I didn't even consider twirling there, or anywhere, until she called. I woke up the next morning and drove to Kilgore to meet up with her. We had a fun day. We made fun of each other, made fun of other girls, smiled, laughed, talked about boys I'm sure, and twirled our little hearts out. 25 girls tried out that day and Sarah and I were 2 of the 5 that did not make it. Sooo embarrassing. (this is why I do not tell people I even tried out) I still think to this day that she should have been on that line. She was grouped in a call back group and I just knew that she was going to make it. Her smile was completely contagious and she just had that amazing glow and personality that should be on display. Really. She was truly a beautiful girl. Sarah was in a car accident and passed away on January 8, 2009. I miss her and think about her all the time and every single time I think about Kilgore College Twirlers I remember Sarah.
So this was not on my agenda to blog about her, but there it is. One of my favorite memories. Now I have to get back to reality and do some work even though I would love to be at home.
Hope all is well with everyone :)
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
quick summer update
I am at work and should be working, but I am blogging instead.
This summer has been amazing so far. I got a temporary job, I went to Six Flags, saw a few bands at a few concerts, saw my future husband Jesse McCartney (lol) signed up for Mary Kay, tried to rekindle a relationship with an old boyfriend (that is a total hunk btw), got Blue October tickets for my birthday, got rid of a few friends (kind of miss them even though its better this way), got closer to some other people (and excited about hanging out with them more often!), will hopefully be purchasing Secondhand Serenade tickets this week, decided to take a mini-break from school, and have started to truly embrace a blessing that I have ignored for too long!
I have a few complaints about this summer, but all the good things cancel them out by far.
This job has been so fun and I have enjoyed the cash A LOT! I blow it just as fast as I make it, but it has worked out for me so far. Last week Nicole quit working here and everything changed. I am not loving it here like I did before. I do not want to rush into any decisions just yet, but I am pretty sure that I am leaving within the next couple of weeks. Maybe Nicole babied me too much lol!
I don't think I have ever blogged about my boo, so here it goes! Tony is a mess. I love that boy more than I have ever loved anyone. He is sweet and charming and not even 2! (sometimes he is a toot though) His smile could brighten any one's day and the way he says flower is too precious. I care about that boy so much, and it is hard for me to imagine what I will feel like towards my own children.
School is kind of an awkward subject for me because I chose not to sign up this semester. I feel a little...well I don't even know how I feel about it. Maybe embarrassed because I do not want people to think I am a loser for not going. Maybe scared that I won't go back in January. Maybe a lot of things that I can't begin to explain. However, I honestly don't feel like it is what I am supposed to be doing right now so I am trying not to experiece any feelings of grief at this time. (maybe in a few weeks I will)
I miss my best friend Abbey oh so much! {yay for you coming home soon}
My plans after this job include, but are not limited to,-----working for dad full time, exercise exercise exercise (and finally dropping that 50 pounds...only 40 more to go), selling a whole lot of Mary Kay, renewing my group exercise certification, getting things lined up for school in January, visiting Abbey in Austin ASAP, planning a lot of good activities for the YSA, and just being happy some more!
Now, I really have to get back to work, but I felt like it was time for an update so enjoy!
This summer has been amazing so far. I got a temporary job, I went to Six Flags, saw a few bands at a few concerts, saw my future husband Jesse McCartney (lol) signed up for Mary Kay, tried to rekindle a relationship with an old boyfriend (that is a total hunk btw), got Blue October tickets for my birthday, got rid of a few friends (kind of miss them even though its better this way), got closer to some other people (and excited about hanging out with them more often!), will hopefully be purchasing Secondhand Serenade tickets this week, decided to take a mini-break from school, and have started to truly embrace a blessing that I have ignored for too long!
I have a few complaints about this summer, but all the good things cancel them out by far.
This job has been so fun and I have enjoyed the cash A LOT! I blow it just as fast as I make it, but it has worked out for me so far. Last week Nicole quit working here and everything changed. I am not loving it here like I did before. I do not want to rush into any decisions just yet, but I am pretty sure that I am leaving within the next couple of weeks. Maybe Nicole babied me too much lol!
I don't think I have ever blogged about my boo, so here it goes! Tony is a mess. I love that boy more than I have ever loved anyone. He is sweet and charming and not even 2! (sometimes he is a toot though) His smile could brighten any one's day and the way he says flower is too precious. I care about that boy so much, and it is hard for me to imagine what I will feel like towards my own children.
School is kind of an awkward subject for me because I chose not to sign up this semester. I feel a little...well I don't even know how I feel about it. Maybe embarrassed because I do not want people to think I am a loser for not going. Maybe scared that I won't go back in January. Maybe a lot of things that I can't begin to explain. However, I honestly don't feel like it is what I am supposed to be doing right now so I am trying not to experiece any feelings of grief at this time. (maybe in a few weeks I will)
I miss my best friend Abbey oh so much! {yay for you coming home soon}
My plans after this job include, but are not limited to,-----working for dad full time, exercise exercise exercise (and finally dropping that 50 pounds...only 40 more to go), selling a whole lot of Mary Kay, renewing my group exercise certification, getting things lined up for school in January, visiting Abbey in Austin ASAP, planning a lot of good activities for the YSA, and just being happy some more!
Now, I really have to get back to work, but I felt like it was time for an update so enjoy!
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
blah blah
"And I've learned a lot from all these break ups and make ups. And f*** ups and fake ups. Things that I wish you could comprehend yeah, comprehend. But for now I'll lace up these wingtip shoes, boys. And I'll go have breakfast with my good friends."
-Blue October Breakfast After Ten
I used to think this song was just about boy/girl relationships, but I have officially taken it in as a song that means whatever I want it to :)
I am starting to learn more and more about people every day. I think that I have learned that my family members are the only friends I need. (Abbey, since you are the only one that reads this besides me, I want you to know that you are more like a sister to me. I have told you that before, but I want to remind you so that you know you are included in the 'family' group.) When I am home I am at peace. I feel happiest when I am there with my family. I am so sick of self-righteous people thinking they are so much better than the rest of the world. We are all equal and God loves us all. I only seek forgiveness from Him and will never beg anyone else to forgive me. (ever ever again. its stupid)
I have made mistakes and plan to until the end of time. It is all part of the process. I am tired of blogging about all these negative things in my life and I really want to be happy. Letting a friendship fade will not depress me. I want people that love me unconditionally and I HAVE that with my family! I know that I will be happier when all of this is over. I just want to release some anger one last time.
Hopefully things can look up again. Thanks for letting me vent...
Friday, June 5, 2009
today is better
I never posted this and is a little late and incomplete, but I need to complain about something else now. So this one is going up!
I react so quickly and dramatically to every situation. I pride myself on not loving drama like most people, yet I am so dramatic about every emotion I have. Yesterday I was so upset about a simple conversation that I let it ruin my day. Days like yesterday make me feel so immature. Today has been better. I actually got some stuff done and got to sleep in. I feel rested and happy.
Next week I am helping with the LITES at girls camp. (this is for the church) Because there are not enough LITES this year, I have been asked to give two certification classes. Its not a big deal. It just has to get the message across to the girls and possibly include an activity. I am showing them how to waterproof matches, make water drinkable, start a fire without a match, and protecting the environment. yay fun! I am actually very excited about going to the camp even though we will be in tents on a small pond/lake. I missed out on being a LITE when I was that age because I was stupid and stingy and not making very good decisions at that time in my life. I am glad that I was asked to help out!
I am still having a friend problem but I keep crossing my fingers and praying that everything will eventually work out for the best.
I react so quickly and dramatically to every situation. I pride myself on not loving drama like most people, yet I am so dramatic about every emotion I have. Yesterday I was so upset about a simple conversation that I let it ruin my day. Days like yesterday make me feel so immature. Today has been better. I actually got some stuff done and got to sleep in. I feel rested and happy.
Next week I am helping with the LITES at girls camp. (this is for the church) Because there are not enough LITES this year, I have been asked to give two certification classes. Its not a big deal. It just has to get the message across to the girls and possibly include an activity. I am showing them how to waterproof matches, make water drinkable, start a fire without a match, and protecting the environment. yay fun! I am actually very excited about going to the camp even though we will be in tents on a small pond/lake. I missed out on being a LITE when I was that age because I was stupid and stingy and not making very good decisions at that time in my life. I am glad that I was asked to help out!
I am still having a friend problem but I keep crossing my fingers and praying that everything will eventually work out for the best.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
stress stress stress
I am confused to the point that I created a blog! I have been so stressed out for the last month and I am not even going to school (which is what I usually blame all my anxiety on). I have a few ideas about what is causing me to be stressed, but I dont know for sure. I feel like I have bad relationships with all of my friends. I have never been the girl that has a big group of friends, but lately it seems like I have a bunch of fake friends. I feel like I wear a mask when I hang out with any of my friends. I have to pretend to be smart, funny, pretty, confident, comfortable, happy, and all of those good things that people look for in friends. I am not happy. I have not been happy for the past 3 years and no one has known it until recently (I think I was also a little unaware of how unhappy I really was). Abbey is my best friend and has talked me through so many sad moments. She is the only person I dont wear a "mask" around. I should be happy that I have an amazing friend that gets me, but I hate hiding from everyone else. I wish that depression didnt exist. I always tell myself, and others, that we have to feel all the bad so we can really appreciate the good stuff, but I want the bad stuff to just go away!
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