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"And I've learned a lot from all these break ups and make ups. And f*** ups and fake ups. Things that I wish you could comprehend yeah, comprehend. But for now I'll lace up these wingtip shoes, boys. And I'll go have breakfast with my good friends."

-Blue October Breakfast After Ten

I used to think this song was just about boy/girl relationships, but I have officially taken it in as a song that means whatever I want it to :)

I am starting to learn more and more about people every day. I think that I have learned that my family members are the only friends I need. (Abbey, since you are the only one that reads this besides me, I want you to know that you are more like a sister to me. I have told you that before, but I want to remind you so that you know you are included in the 'family' group.) When I am home I am at peace. I feel happiest when I am there with my family. I am so sick of self-righteous people thinking they are so much better than the rest of the world. We are all equal and God loves us all. I only seek forgiveness from Him and will never beg anyone else to forgive me. (ever ever again. its stupid)

I have made mistakes and plan to until the end of time. It is all part of the process. I am tired of blogging about all these negative things in my life and I really want to be happy. Letting a friendship fade will not depress me. I want people that love me unconditionally and I HAVE that with my family! I know that I will be happier when all of this is over. I just want to release some anger one last time.

Hopefully things can look up again. Thanks for letting me vent...

today is better

I never posted this and is a little late and incomplete, but I need to complain about something else now. So this one is going up!


I react so quickly and dramatically to every situation. I pride myself on not loving drama like most people, yet I am so dramatic about every emotion I have. Yesterday I was so upset about a simple conversation that I let it ruin my day. Days like yesterday make me feel so immature. Today has been better. I actually got some stuff done and got to sleep in. I feel rested and happy.



Next week I am helping with the LITES at girls camp. (this is for the church) Because there are not enough LITES this year, I have been asked to give two certification classes. Its not a big deal. It just has to get the message across to the girls and possibly include an activity. I am showing them how to waterproof matches, make water drinkable, start a fire without a match, and protecting the environment. yay fun! I am actually very excited about going to the camp even though we will be in tents on a small pond/lake. I missed out on being a LITE when I was that age because I was stupid and stingy and not making very good decisions at that time in my life. I am glad that I was asked to help out!

I am still having a friend problem but I keep crossing my fingers and praying that everything will eventually work out for the best.

stress stress stress

I am confused to the point that I created a blog! I have been so stressed out for the last month and I am not even going to school (which is what I usually blame all my anxiety on). I have a few ideas about what is causing me to be stressed, but I dont know for sure. I feel like I have bad relationships with all of my friends. I have never been the girl that has a big group of friends, but lately it seems like I have a bunch of fake friends. I feel like I wear a mask when I hang out with any of my friends. I have to pretend to be smart, funny, pretty, confident, comfortable, happy, and all of those good things that people look for in friends. I am not happy. I have not been happy for the past 3 years and no one has known it until recently (I think I was also a little unaware of how unhappy I really was). Abbey is my best friend and has talked me through so many sad moments. She is the only person I dont wear a "mask" around. I should be happy that I have an amazing friend that gets me, but I hate hiding from everyone else. I wish that depression didnt exist. I always tell myself, and others, that we have to feel all the bad so we can really appreciate the good stuff, but I want the bad stuff to just go away!